To be despised-To be loved-To be dreamt of-To be sought-To be inside-I don't care

think there is a point in everyone's lives where they just stop caring, stop giving a shit about anything and everything. They wake up each morning, do what they know needs to be done, they put a smile on their face because that's just what they do... and that's it. Talk to people because you can, even being nice to a few people because they are nice to you. It might not make much sense to some people; as for myself though, it makes perfect sense.

I used to care about certain things.
How I looked, what people thought of me… even going as far as to change who I was just so that they would like/love me more. I wanted to be accepted, to be loved, even if that meant not being who I was deep inside.

I used to actually worry about being alone for the rest of my life. I've slowly come to realize that I just don't give a shit any more. I don't care about being in a relationship, or trying to find someone that will accept me for who I am. Crazy and all. I'm me, and me is a hard person to accept. I'm for the most part clingy, an attention whore, demanding, yet needs my space from time to time. sharing is not something that I do well but I'm trying to work on it... I have so many damn issues (beyond what is listed) it's amazing that I'm not seeing a therapist.

The last part has actually been suggested to me by family members. I'm actually scared to go to one. I would rather not be alone, rather not be a crazy cat lady yelling at people... but how can i ask someone to accept me, and all that goes with it, when I can't even trust them? I don't trust anyone anymore. I listen to you, hear what you have to say, can feel a lie when it slips from someone's mouth.... and I let them think that I believe them. It amuses me for the most part. There are only a select few that I'm nice to and mean it. There is only one person that I'd actually give my life to, if it meant saving theirs. With all my issues, all my shit that is hard to deal with... One thing will always remain the same; I'm very loyal when it comes to one special person. Beyond all the hurt, beyond the tears, beyond everything that has ever happened... They will always have that last small piece of me that actually gives a damn. That actually makes me think of them even when I don't want to. Maybe that will change in the future, as for right now though... I don't see it changing.