Delete

Again, it's been some time since my last post. I tend to forget about my blog, or simply not even care to write. There are times when I have thoughts that I want to get down; but then I think about it for a minute, and think it best not to write down what I really feel. I have no idea who might come across my blog, and sometimes it's those thoughts alone that keep me from doing what I really love to do. I love to express myself with words, and the sheer fear, I guess you could say, is what keeps me from doing it. You know what I have to say to that? Fuck them. I've spent too much of my life giving a damn about what others might think and feel. I've spent far too much time thinking of certain individuals. I'm tired of wasting my time.

I've made mistakes in my life, mistakes that I'm not very proud of; but the simple fact is that I am human. As a human I do make mistakes from time to time, because I'm far from being perfect. I've apologized for my mistakes that I have made, and if certain parties can't forgive me, then so be it. I'm tired of giving a damn about people that obviously don't care about me. That could easily delete me out of their life as if I were never there. I guess all the times you said "I love you" were nothing but lies. The "I want to keep you around. I really do. And I miss you when I don't have you" was also a lie as well. I'm deleting you just as you deleted me.

And five years of friendship being erased because of what; because I was stupid and childish? You claim to be all "Zen" and shit, "wanting to make peace," yet you called me "She Who Must Not Be Named" like I'm some evil bitch or something. Well, yes, I tend to be evil and from time to time I'm a bitch, but I'm not some villain in a story. Though, I do have a fondness for Voldemort, and all his wonderful Death Eaters. I'm a bit dark and twisted, what can I say? But, still, who was the one that would stay up all hours of the night talking to you? Who was the one that listened to you bitch and complain about people, the one that was always there for you no matter what?

You knew that I was a jealous bitch, you knew how I could be heartless at times, and I believe you even commented on how that was one of the things you liked about me. I wasn’t one of your obedient followers; I wasn’t going to take orders like one of your lackeys. I had a mind of my own, and that was something that you hated most of all. That I couldn’t be controlled like all your other friends to do as you said. Once I had friends of my own, you got pissed and jealous. You even tried to come between me and my new friends because you were jealous. Yet, when I make a jealous mistake, I can’t be trusted any longer, and blocked and erased as if I were never there. Guess what, you’re shit does stick and I’m here to tell you so.

You’ve talked more shit about people than I ever have! You talked so much shit about the people you claim to be friends with, which it makes me wonder if you even did own up to what you’ve said. If I were a spiteful and vindictive bitch, I would copy what you’ve said and pasted it on here for all to see. Or, better yet, remember those three-way calls that the other party didn’t know they were apart of? I’ve apologised, I’ve even put myself out there and tried to reach out to you when it seemed like you needed a friend. I was ignored, blocked and I believe called a stalker. Yet, I’m supposedly the bad guy, or in this case, girl? I would have bent over backwards for you, I would have tried to do anything in my power to help you out, and I was flat out dismissed. Who is the one being childish now? That was so very “Zen” of you.

“okay.. so maybe he shouldn’t have said that.. but he was upset. and you can’t say that you've never said stuff before, when you were upset, that you didn’t mean.”

Guess I wasn’t allowed to say something while I was upset. Guess I wasn’t allowed to vent to someone, to talk to anyone else besides you. I’ve been keeping this shit in for a year now, and you know what? I’m still upset that I can’t call you and talk to you about my wedding. You were supposed to be there by my side when the day did come. You were my best friend; you were supposed to be my Maid of Honour. And now I’m getting married and you’re not a part of it. You even bad mouthed my future husband!

You know what? It’s not worth my time or energy any more. I deleted you as you deleted me and it feels good.

I can't stop caring.

6:21 in the morning. I'm awake reading thoughts that I shouldn't be reading. Awake thinking of someone that I shouldn't, caring when I shouldn't. Pretty much doing all that I should not be doing... And it's killing me inside. Why should I care? I am not someone that exists, I have no name; I am no one. I can't shut my mind off. I can't burn that place in my heart.



I threw up last time I allowed myself to thinkabout them, to care.

I feel like I might do the same, again.

<3

Engaged

A somewhat small word, yet it's such a big word at the same time.

You make it easier to be, easier to be me.

It's been sometime since I wrote in a blog, journal or anything else like that. It seems somewhat weird to write again in a blog format. My life, for the most part, has done a 180 since the last time I really took the time to write anything. I still work at Old Navy; nothing has changed with that. I still do not know if I got the promotion or not, but I highly doubt that I did. It would have been nice to get, but I never got my second interview, so that basically tells me that I didn't get it. Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens and if there will be another chance to be promoted.

One thing that has changed the most is that I'm no longer bitter about love. In fact, I actually celebrated Valentine's Day with a smile on my face. I had someone to share the day with and I love him dearly. There is just one small problem. Not really a problem... but it does make things a bit harder than most relationships. He lives in Vancouver... Actually Surrey, but it's right outside of Vancouver. Kinda like Garland is to Dallas. I know what people think, I've heard it all, but I know what I feel and I do trust him. Yes we live on two different coasts and in different countries, but that doesn't change how I feel about him, and the fact that he loves me as well. I am counting down the days for when I'll be able to see him-- 51 to be exact, and each day that passes brings a smile to my face. It still feels like a dream at times.

I'm happy.

I haven't been happy in so long that I almost forgot what it was like. I used to pretend to be happy, plaster on a smile and go on about my day. Now I smile because I wake up each day knowing that Stephen loves me and, though it might seem silly, the short emails that he sends me in the mornings make my whole day. I have the love of a wonderful man, how can I not smile at that?

Also, Krys and I are no longer friends. It is somewhat weird to think about, but I'm done trying, done with the frustration, done with everything. I tried, and no matter what I did I felt like I was always having to prove myself as a friend. I've known her for almost five years, I shouldn't have to prove myself. I shouldn't be made to feel like crap if I can't call or if I have other friends. Or simply liking something that she doesn't. I hated the fact that I had to edit myself when I talked to her. That I couldn't tell her certain things because she either wouldn't understand and in a way put me down. And the end of our friendship came down to stupid drama. Oh well. My bed is calling my name, so I think that I'll actually go to bed early for a change.

Heather

"the line between anger and passion is very blury"

Lately "to Hell with you and all your friends" has been my favorite line to say. or "Bitches, they are all BITCHES!"

I've been an angry person as of late. Wanting to stab people in the neck with pens. Good thing I like to put my anger into my writing. My current character can do what it is that I would like to do, maybe even more so. She is after all certifiably insane. Interesting to think that she came from my imagination.

Thoughts from my mind at a drunken 3AM

Silent words spoken with your eyes

Lips sown shut but always telling lies

Second party looking in

Dreaming of the day you'll let me in

Tongue to the page, tell me what you feel

If only you could hold me near

I'm begging you with a smile

Die

Inside my soul screams

I am right here

With the joker grin that I share

Can you save me from myself?

Can you save yourself from the dark lies?

The shallow grave is calling

Who will be the one to crawl inside?

This don’t matter like it did before

Could you please get out of my dreams, leave them and let me go back to dreaming of nothing. There are only a handful of people that I don't mind making an appearance in my dreams... and you aren't one of them. I'm perfectly content on not dreaming of anything. At least I don't wake up miserable and wishing I weren't alone. When you're alone, you don't want to dream of someone that makes you smile and feel warm inside. At least that's my thoughts on it. And to top it off, I continue to think about the dream for the rest of the day!

I should just go back to pretending you don't exist. Everything was simpler, safer that way.